Bwipo opens up about his struggle with mental health as a LoL pro player

Ahead of his appearance at Worlds 2024, I had a conversation with FlyQuest’s Gabriël ‘Bwipo’ Rau to discuss his recent struggles with mental health and some on-stream comments that got him in hot water.

And, while there’s definitely some truth in his criticism against other pro players, the way he spoke about others was uncharacteristic. He spoke a bit about getting help from a doctor and got a diagnosis, but I wanted to ask him for myself what happened. He was originally planning to talk about it before Worlds started, but that time has come and gone.

It should come as no surprise that being a pro player puts a lot of strain on you, both physically and mentally. To be honest, I wasn’t expecting him to be so open with me, but Bwipo was willing to dive into it and tell part of his story.

Finding a balance between Bwipo and Gabriël

Bwipo, I’m gonna preface by saying there are two very different interviews we could have here, okay? I have a preset set of questions about the year and MSI and how you got here… Or, I could throw the script out and, I mean, I would love to be able to have the opportunity to talk about your recent struggles and just have a straight Q and A. It depends on what you’re comfortable with. What are you feeling?

I don’t mind either way.

What would you say was your biggest struggle this year, not as a player, but as a person? Is there anything you feel like you’ve struggled to express?

I think my biggest struggle has been… Being honest. To myself, and to the people I care about.

So, you mentioned that LS, in particular, reached out to you. How did that conversation go? And what do you feel like you got out of it that sort of changed your mind on things?

He was just concerned over my well-being, and since he’s known me for a really long time. He got in contact with my doctor. I… yeah, they talked about some things, I believe. I’m not sure exactly. I don’t remember exactly how they initially got to know each other, but they talked to each other before, and basically through LS, he was just making sure, like, ‘Hey, you should definitely talk to him and bring this up. Maybe this is what’s going on.’ And, he reached out to [my doctor], and he spent time going through the VODs and watching what was happening to me.

If LS didn’t reach out, I don’t know if I would have realized what was going on. As a result, I’m very grateful to him.

I don’t know if you have revealed the diagnosis yet, and I won’t ask you to tell me if you’re not comfortable, but what do you think you’ve learned from this experience? Do you feel like you’ve come out of it a stronger person?

What I’ve learned is to monitor my own personal well-being. How I’m eating, how I’m sleeping, how I’m behaving. I think it can be very easy to make excuses for why one does the things they do. But ultimately, taking responsibility and owning up to the person that you are should also include those variances. That’s the lesson I’ve learned and the lesson I continue to learn and try to improve from. You know, as someone with ADHD, I’ve been rather impulsive over the course of my life, so I try to improve upon that and make sure that I make decisions that are good for me and the people around me, in the short as well as the long term.

I’ve noticed on FlyQuest that, between the start of this year and the end of this year, that you have… maybe not taken a step back, but you haven’t had as many resources channeled into you every game. It feels like you’ve given things over to the rookies on the team a little more. Do you think being able to let the rookie players on FlyQuest take the spotlight has been part of your growth as a player?

I think it’s more of a throwback to who I used to be.

I was always the guy who put a floodlight on top of my head and said, ‘Come and get me.’ And, usually, my carries would carry the game when I did that. I think it’s just the same thing as back then. I think Massu and Quad are exceptionally good at carrying the game when I do that. Inspired also pulls a hell of a lot of weight for us, and I’m comfortable being the fourth or fifth-best player on my team.

How has this year on FlyQuest changed your mindset as a pro player? I know you said you feel like you kind of got back to where you were. Do you feel like there’s any part of you that got lost in trying to be, you know, a big carry on Team Liquid and that you’ve come back to your roots?

Oh, absolutely. I think the player I was trying to be was not who I am. I think that some of the magic in my gameplay is that I end up carrying from a position most players wouldn’t even try to. That kind of decisiveness and confidence has been a hallmark of my gameplay since the very start. And… I lost that. Because I was unable to see the value in my own gameplay and my own style. I felt like so much of the feedback I received was to be a different player, to find solutions that other people used rather than finding my own solutions and applying those.

I feel like, having worked with FlyQuest now, I’ve been able to do that very successfully. I am my own player, and the staff has given me a fair amount of leeway and an enormous amount of confidence. Even when I don’t do well, the staff understands that’s the role I play on the team, and they’re ok with that. I am the one who takes risks the most. Sometimes, when you take a lot of risks, they don’t pay off. Consecutively. Being on a team that’s ok with that? That’s huge.

You’re kind of a content god, and I don’t just mean in the sense of, like, you know, the controversy of that week. You’re a really good streamer; you’re really good at explaining things.

I appreciate that.

So, what is keeping you in pro play for so long, knowing that it’s – I mean, it’s clearly put you through such a massive amount of mental strain. What this year has cemented the idea that being a pro player is the right decision for you?

A lot of the people I care about have sacrificed a lot to let me have the opportunity to be a pro, and my goal was always to win Worlds. Still is. I’ve played a lot of large games, and I’m grateful that I have. I’ve come to realize that that’s a privilege. I’d rather play the big games and lose them than not play them at all is what I’ve realized.

But… I just feel like I haven’t been able to meet the potential I’ve always seen in myself. A lot of the confidence and good sides in my gameplay are often masked by the inconsistencies and the risks I take. If I can lock in if you will, and kind of eliminate that, I can truly be one of the world’s best. I think people saw that in me in my first year.

And, you know, most of all, to the person I care about the most, I think she sacrificed so much to see me grow as a person in my professional career; I can’t end without at least a fantastic Worlds performance.

As much as streaming is fun, it’s not something I can do every day as a pro player. I get one-guyed a lot, as you mentioned. I’m a streamer, I like to talk a lot, but, when I read an opinion, I always feel like I have to reply or have to discuss something. Sometimes, I get lost in the idea because I get really frustrated by it, or maybe it’s funny to me and not everyone else. My point is… When I stream, that isn’t really me. Obviously, as a human being, there are a lot of sides to me. There’s a lot going on with me because that’s what humans are like, right?

I have a lot of respect for everyone who watches me, I have a lot of respect for the fans. Everyone has their own life and everything going on in their life and their emotions, their experiences. I value that, but… I don’t think I’m ever comfortable enough to share that with the world. Whenever I am, it’s for a very short amount of time, and then I prefer to be the player everyone watches and loves, and that’s just not something I have the energy for every single day as a pro player.

You go on stage, you play your game, get an interview, or you do an interview like this, put on the persona, and it’s great, right? It’s lovely, and then it’s done, and you get to rest for a whole week and you don’t have to do it. As a streamer, you have to go live every single day, or pretty much every single day, six days a week or whatever, and that’s not something that, for me, as an… extroverted introvert, I can sustain over a long period of time, basically. I’d have to sacrifice a lot of the quality of what I do in my streams.

(Note: Bwipo had an extra message at the end of our discussion he wanted to leave for fans)

After Worlds, I do intend to discuss this a little bit more. But, I’ve come to realize as it happened, and as well afterward, as I was contemplating and thinking about what to do about it… Worlds is something to be celebrated, and I don’t want to take that away. I don’t want to put the focus on me because I am just yet another person participating at the World Championship. Every single player that is here deserves to be celebrated.

I’d rather focus on the event and the people who make it big than me. After Worlds is done and there’s a content drought, I’ll gladly go over what happened, how I feel, and my conclusions and everything. For now, World Championship first. Then, we can talk about Bwipo.

This interview was edited for time and clarity.