Popular UK YouTuber and Sidemen member Ethan ‘Behzinga’ Payne has opened up on one of the darkest times of his life, revealing a secret suicide attempt several years ago – and why he didn’t go ahead with it.
As part of the Sidemen, Behzinga is often seen as lighthearted and fun-loving, and this is a side of him that many fans will be completely unaware of and seem truly out of character.
In recent months, he has been documenting his incredible weight loss journey and even worked on the commentary desk for Sky Sports during the KSI vs Logan Paul YouTube boxing event.
Obviously, though, as with anyone else, Payne’s life and career hasn’t all been fun and games, as he spoke about during a YouTube video uploaded on July 1.
During the video, Behzinga took questions from fans that were, for the most part, funny and just a bit awkward, but one question, in particular, spurred Ethan to speak on troubles he has faced.
The question asked was a simple one: “What’s the hardest time you’ve had to go through?” Not many expected the candid honesty that came in the response, though.
“I would say I’ve struggled with my battles with depression,” he said, seemingly uncomfortable about broaching the subject. "I’ve never been to the doctors about it, but I would say, and people around me would probably say ‘yes, you’ve been awfully depressed at times.”
He continued: “In those times, I have done some very stupid things… I got in my car, p**sed as a fart (British slang for very drunk). I got in that car with the intention of not getting back out of it.”
He went on to say that not only did he put himself in danger, but he put other people in danger too, calling it “one of the most stupid things I’ve ever done in my life” and that it was “very selfish.”
He then confessed that he had a moment of realization while on his “rampage,” and simply asked himself what he was doing, imagining how everybody who cared about him would react if he did do that.
It got increasingly emotional as the story went on, with Payne clearly still feeling upset about the ordeal – but, fortunately, he clearly realizes the error of his ways and is thriving today, with both himself and the Sidemen bigger and more successful than they ever have been.
If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts, or know anyone that is, and you would like to talk to someone, please reach out and call the Suicide Prevention Helpline 1-800-273-8255 (USA) or the Samaritans 116-123 (UK).